There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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