She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
