I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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