i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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