Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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