WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
