Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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