The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
