he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
