all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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