Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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