i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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