I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
