If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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