Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
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All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
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Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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