I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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