why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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