he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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