Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
