Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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