i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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