I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
