Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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