Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
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It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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