I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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