Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
