I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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