you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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