I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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