did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
