if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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