K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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