when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
