That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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