im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
