He uses pillows to masturbate.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
