Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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