Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
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