I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
