I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
