Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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