I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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