i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
