it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
