Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
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I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
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I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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