just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Little spoons don't ask big questions
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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