I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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