The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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