Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
