I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
