I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize