Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
