I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
