My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
