I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
