If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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