Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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