Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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