She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
